There are four pillars that support ongoing, quality recovery from any addiction or habit pattern. To maintain the best recovery you can, live a life based upon getting and staying HIGH:
Honesty
Integrity
Gratitude
Humility
When we lean on these practices as a way of being, our potential for an inspired, empowered, wholehearted life of meaning and joy grows exponentially. Let’s look at each pillar:
Honesty: This is obviously about telling the truth – to ourselves, first and foremost, and to others. Being honest is not just avoiding telling lies (of commission or omission), but also avoiding manipulation, rationalizing, over-explaining, defensiveness, justification, etc. These are ways we try to “get around” the truth or hide behind half-truths or illusions. They show a lack of confidence, lack of authenticity, lack of authority that is present when we stand for what we know to be true.
Integrity: This is about embodying our truths – being true to our word, our values. It’s about standing firm in what we know to be the higher ground, whether it is easy and comfortable or not. To have integrity, we need to be congruent in what we say and how we act. Do we know what matters to us, and are we willing to not sell out or sell ourselves short?
Gratitude: To appreciate means to grow in value. Do we appreciate ourselves, our lives, the gifts we have or receive, the opportunities and challenges that come our way? Even the things we perceive as problems or negatives in our lives can be appreciated if we accept them as lessons to be learned from. Having an attitude of gratitude is not a “Pollyanna” outlook – there is no room for falsity or rosy glasses. Rather it’s the recognition that every experience leads to another and by allowing it to “grow in value,” we empower ourselves to grow as well.
Humility: Humility means teachability. AA’s book, “The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions,” defines humility as “knowing who and what we really are, coupled with a sincere attempt to become what we can be.” This is paramount to a good life. It is the opposite of humiliation, which is all about bringing us down. Rather it’s about lifting ourselves up, with integrity, to embrace and develop our talents, skills, values and become the person we aspire to become in our heart of hearts.
These pillars are not destinations in life, they are practices. We will both progress toward them and we will falter. That’s the nature of being human; we do remarkable things and we screw up. Recovery – high-quality, long-term, meaningful recovery – follows when we commit ourselves to doing our best at these practices, and correcting ourselves when we fall short. No blame, shame or self-deprecation; just “live and learn.”
Here are some ways to practice each pillar. The first item in each category is at a basic level; the second is harder, more challenging – “extra credit” if you will. Be mindful with each practice not to be hurtful or uncaring of others; growth isn’t really growth when it’s inconsiderate or disrespectful toward those around us:
Honesty:
1. Practice pausing before you give an answer to people and check in with yourself to be sure that the answer you are about to give is objectively true and not just comfortable, convenient or putting you in the best light.
2. If you do tell an untruth (lie, embellishment, exaggeration, rationalization, etc.), pause and correct yourself.
Integrity:
1. Practice having clear, well-defined boundaries. Don’t say “yes” when you want to say “no” and vice versa. Boundaries are lines we draw for ourselves, not others.
2. If you do say “yes” when you want to say “no”, tell the person that you were wrong or changed your mind and if possible, offer to help them find a replacement for you.
Gratitude:
1. Keep a daily gratitude journal of at least 5 things that happened each day and express gratitude for it (“I am grateful for ___ because ___.”)
2. Have your list include at least two items that were painful, hurtful, scary or that made you angry.
Humility:
1. Write a list of some of your major weaknesses, shortcomings, failures and chronic mistakes. Write a list of some of your greatest strengths, attributes, successes and lessons learned.
2. Share both lists with someone you trust, for the sole purpose of accepting your humanness and learning something about yourself.
What I’ve experienced for myself, and witnessed in countless others, is that making these practices a regular routine is enormously rewarding and fulfilling – not just because getting HIGH helps you maintain the highest quality recovery, it also helps you grow more confident, self-assured and become a powerful model and support for others. If you are new to it, it may sound hard or painful, but I assure you it leads to greater ease and peace of mind. If I can be of any help along the way, please don’t hesitate to contact me.